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What better way to give you a glimpse of who I am than an autobiographical poem? Enjoy.
Peering into your eyes, I wonder who you are.
Your eyes glimmer with the gleeful knowledge
That you, indeed, exist.
Separate from me.
Yet behind the scenes,
Quietly you lurk in the caverns.
Seeing a light filled with Joy,
You will never be able to glean pleasure from.
So you spin your thread that is made of
Worry, doubt, and pain.
In it you dwell, taking in then spewing out.
Tearing through gossamer strands of vibrant hope.
And I SEE YOU.
Are you afraid that one day, you will simply vanish?
Unable to gather your sinister threads, unable to feed and grow?
I have found you out.
You are the wolf hiding in the closet.
You have been there from the beginning.
Waiting, oh so patiently.
I tried running away.
Hiding beyond your grasp.
Even trying to reach the metaphysical planes.
That drive most to sheer lunacy.
Relentlessly you followed.
Trying to pilfer all that is pure.
But, I too, am hungry.
Hungry for peace that is not fleeting.
For a connection that is essential to one`s being.
You want to scream and thrash.
Driving away the fragile awareness I have so carefully cultivated.
But you have no idea what I have been up to!
I wait until you are subdued, having feasted on my self destruction.
It is then, when I would normally roll over into a cycle
Of self loathing and further self destruction, that sometimes,
I become just a little stronger. Push just a little harder.
What if it were like the Jack London story?
Where the man runs out of matches, with which to Build a Fire
And gives up, in the dark. After fighting to stay alive
For so long. When the sun rises,
We see camp was so very close after all. Just a few more steps.
I must wake each day thinking “today could be the day it all falls into place.”
For like a tiny sliver, I draw you out with the salve of truth and self reflection.
Your infection cannot take hold. Once I stop hiding. Especially from myself,
I take hold of your unpalatable buffet of my lowest feelings
And I hold it up to the light.
It is there I ask everyone to look at all I tried to deny
All the messy, ugly parts of me.
I will say “I’m not proud of this, but at least it’s not my lunch.”
I am simply fighting back.
You did not bank on my resilience found through reflection
Piece by piece I throw the remains of your meal into the violet flame
That surrounds my healing soul.
You weren't aware I had finally let myself be secure
In the knowledge that this is all really the stuff of smoke and mirrors.
Born from the cesspool of dashed dreams.
Let me tell you a secret.
You will never be satiated.
The only way to quell the hunger, is to relinquish the desire to feed.
Having Anger to Tea
Jan 19, 2020 4 years agoHaving Anger to Tea Hey there, Good Morning! You! Yes, You! I See You Lurking. Ha,Ha! But there is no need, Dear One. I would like to invite you in for a cup of tea. I See the shock and mistrust on Your Face. I don't blame You. I've treated You like a “Redheaded Stepchild”, As the Country Folk like to say. Really, though, thanks for giving me some Time Alone. You do wear a person out. Now don't get riled up! JK! I'll stop. I thought humor might Lighten things up a bit. But we will leave the Dawn to that task Here, I will come Outside in the Shadows with You. Aaah, what a Gorgeous Morning! That Breeze is Delightful. It was the Tree Frog in my Garden that Woke Me. I wasn't even irritated upon waking. Just curious as I woke up Light and Mellow And I wondered what it was that caused this Delicious Awakening. So Anger, You are an Intense Girl. But I Love You. Yes, You. You are Real. You Exist. You Exist for a reason. I just wanted that said, Straight Out. Now I would like to Give You a Chance to say something. How about I meditate, Go Head, Heart, Hara, then come back. Was that Roar on the Breeze a Sign of your discontent? I am staying Outside with You. I meant “back” as in back from within myself. So where have you been, my Friend? I asked my mind and it said “She's been here all along. She can snap at any minute.” Well, my Monkey Mind didn't even get a Banana, As that wasn't very nice. My Heart. My Heart said That I am addicted to You. Chemical responses emitted due to Your Presence. Affecting my Dopamine Receptors. Kind of Heavy for Heart. More of a Mind response… And then I went to Hara. Where of course it all made sense. The Hara allowed Your Voice to come through. And I heard Your Response. “I am Love.” Which at first I didn't get. But after a Moment's Reflection I realized all three, Mind, Heart and Hara, were correct. You have been here all along. And You certainly could snap at any time. But I don't think You will. I know You are born from Fear and Hurt. And that I fed You what We thought You Needed. And You became an addict Yourself. But I am Softening You back into Love. Back to Source. I am allowing the Power that is in You to come to Light. Yes, You are Light. You are a Powerful Goddess of Truth, Agnus. If I may call You by Your given Name. I Love Your Power. I can use Your Power for Good. To Create and Communicate all that is Wrong with the World, But more Importantly, how to Fix it. Excuse Me for Hating and Fearing You. That I wouldn't Acknowledge or talk about You. How Lonely and Sad You must up have Felt! What's that? Oh, Sweetie, I Know You were only trying to Help. Oh! I just heard the Roar upon the Wind! Not a Sound of Your distaste, but an Affirmation! How misunderstood You must always Feel! Like Gollum. Like Grendel. Let's have a Fun Nickname to go with Agnus. Because We aren't trying to Change who You are, But how You are Perceived, And My reactions to these Perceptions. Clementine? Well, that might be kind of long for a Nickname. How about Clemmie for short? I think this is the Beginning of something Beautiful, Clemmie. I'm going to check in with You throughout the day. I want to get to Know each other. Learn how to Communicate. Learn how to Understand one another. Because I am You, Kid. And I am Beginning to Love Me. And I guess that means Every Part of Me. Thank You for Being There from the Beginning, Agnus. Oh, You do like Clemmie? So it is. Thank You, Clemmie. For Helping me Survive. And Maintaining the Desire to Thrive. You can take a backseat Now, though. We can be in the midst of this Hurting World And Know that We are Loved Unconditionally. Do You want to Know a Secret? Between New Pals? We Always have been. P.S. Did You Notice it is getting Brighter already? Love You, Clemmie. XXX OOO
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