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Clouds and loneliness
Jul 18, 2019 5 years agoAs I sit here in this world I wonder to myself why am I here? I sit in a field of thought on this hill I use to meet my companions. If we are to live there must be meaning, everything has to have a purpose that's the whole point is it not? I am of no use to anyone. I am invisible. I am sent to a land to be imprisoned and yet there was no trial. No way for me to show my worth. In this place Of exile I am alone. so why am I still here why do i still sit here in my special spot and wait. I sigh and lay back on the dead grass. feeling the once bright and lively needles now browned prickle my pale skin. Looking into the clouds I see the gray I can feel it, the weight of despair lay upon them. I feel like the sky is my only friend I feel at peace with the clouds. That's why I wait here for them. They have so much purpose in the world so why do they always seem to mourn. 'Why are you upset' I whisper to them. Like everything else in my life they just move on with no answer. Leaving me here it the bitter quietness to ponder why I am not enough. There is no point to me being awake now that they have drifted away again, so I fall into slumber. As the sky lightens up, the bright rays dance across my skin and yet I feel nothing anymore. I wake up from my constant nightmares, my body now on fire from the hell I live in that world i try to calm down. I despise sleep it brings nothing but more hurt. Dreams are meant to bring you peace my night terrors bring me bitter torment that eats away at me and forms a hole in the lively girl i know i can be. If someone would give me the chance. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest and wait. The clouds are the one thing that return. Yet even this one thing that i feel no rejection from always drifts away from me. Like everyone else they move on leaving me behind without telling me what i can do to make them stay. Leaving me to wonder what I did wrong why does everyone walk away from me without even a glance in my direction. what did I do I... I can change. If that's what it takes. I look to the sky. The air holds the heavy scent of rain, but yet the clouds are sparse today must be my imagination or just my desperate hope for then to return. I look down at my bare feet in the dirt. So cold. My thoughts attack ne once more. Saying to me that I have nobody. Why am I still alive. I want this to end. “Please..” i mutter I bite my cheek so hard so I won't cry. Crying won't help me this pain will never stop so I won't waste my tears on something that will never change. I taste copper, I put my fingers to my mouth and there is blood. As I stare at the crimson splattered across my numb fingertips, I feel a drop on my nose. Then another hits my hand as I look to the sky I see my friends all moving towards me. I feel the anger growing inside at myself. They can't see how pathetic I am for being tortured by their absence.I won't let them. I quickly rise to my feet and look straight up into the face of those gray faces. To the clouds that now watch me. I can't take it, I scream and holler at them. 'Why do you leave me and why do you let me blame myself for it ? I'm not going to do it anymore i can't. I won't.” I fall on my hands and knees. I grip the remains of the grass in my hands and dig my fingers into the earth ' i.. Can't do this anymore... Please, please just go away and don't come back again! It's killing me to see you come and then leave without a word. I'm .. I'M ALWAYS ALONE! So leave me here as you always do, don't come back this time' I didn't even realize the tears now running down my cheeks and falling to the ground. 'I don't want to get back up.. Anymore.” As I sit there I slowly notice the drops started to fall and I know what's next to come The skies open up on me and the rain pours from the sky 'Why do you cry.. Do you pity me?' As I stare back at the sky I realize my friend feels my pain, they always shared it. When the pain became too much to carry myself that's when they were there. To remind me to get back up and keep escaping that imprisonment because i do have a purpose and always will. I curl up on the now soaked ground and stare upward. Now Letting my tears stain my cheeks and I remind myself they will always return to me and I know I'll never cry alone.
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