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I didn't know
Jul 13, 2019 5 years agoI didn't know; that I was capable of such love. A love that demolishes and builds; a love that is more of an obsession. A love that could destroy all and be all. I loved him like a wolf loves the moon, like a butterfly that is attracted to a vibrant flower and like a blind man seeing the sky for the first time. I didn't know; that I would regret falling in love. Everyone said, even if it ends in hurt and pain, it will be worth everything. That experiencing love is everything. They were wrong. All I feel is regret for meeting him. For loving him. I didn't know; that love was all consuming. I thought being distracted meant thinking of perfect moments, mostly unrealistic scenarios. But how would I know that all my perfect moments would become the ones that had him in it. That love meant allowing someone a permanent place in your thoughts. I didn't know; that being with him was the only solution to being happy. The books I enjoyed reading, the walks I loved to take and the joy I receive from others company would all be gone. All replaced. The only thing that would bring a smile on my face would be his company, his smile, his happiness. I didn't know; that not being someone's world could hurt you so much. People say unrequited love is still love. That experiencing love is more important than being loved. But they don't know. They don't know the pain of coming second to someone's duty. They don't understand what it feels when you are not the love of their life and he is not only the love of your life but life itself. I didn't know; that it hurt so much when you are not his world. That person is a sun to your Earth and you; you are only a moon to his Earth. The world keeps revolving, stops for none. Even when you are frozen and your sun has become cold. The hurt and cold doesn't bring numbness, only more pain. I didn't know; that I would lose him to something that was so…. so unquantifiable. That my love would come second to not someone else, but to something else. Something so cliche. Thousands have lost their loved ones before me. However, I lost him, not to death, but to his choice. To his duty. Duty for his motherland. I didn't know; that the feeling of betrayal would rip through me like fire. Your heart breaks when he chooses duty over you; your heart shatters when he loves you and still chooses duty over you. How do you comprehend love that is not enough? The hot fire of betrayal chases the coldness from your heart. I didn't know; that pain becomes tolerable. The pain doesn't diminish; you simply become capable of handling it. It is either survival or succumbing to pain. The pain rages on, but you survive. Barely. I didn't know; that I was capable of overcoming it. Slowly, but surely, my world started moving again. I started smiling when I saw birds in the skies, the children laughing in park or a cute couple sharing loving looks. And then, he was no more my sun. I didn't know.
